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By Synnove Trier-Engelman, Ph.D.
Jessica looks up from her homework to see her mother addressing her younger sister, Beth.
"Guess what, Beth?" she signs. "We're having a new flashing doorbell installed so that you can know when someone is knocking!"
Beth responds with a grin.
As Beth scampers off to her bedroom, Jessica's mother heads tiredly back into the kitchen. Without even turning her head, she says, "Jessica, I hope you're ready for your algebra quiz tomorrow."
Jessica swallows hard.
How does having a deaf child in the family affect siblings who are not deaf? Certainly those siblings deal with emotional concerns and conflicting feelings about the deaf sibling and even their parents. There can be physical responses as well. The good news is that many of the problems that young siblings of a deaf child may experience can often turn into assets and strengths as those children become teenagers and young adults.
All in the Family
Having a deaf child in the household raises a number of issues for a family. Though the effect may be felt quite intensely at first, many of the issues do not go away throughout the child's upbringing. Communication, assistive technology, financial concerns – often these issues become outright burdens for parents. There are many additional parenting decisions to be made on behalf of a deaf child. Parents' feelings of competency may be challenged. They may somehow feel that they are not "good" parents if one child is not functioning as well as they had expected. Additionally, each parent has to deal with the loss of dreams they had for their deaf child – like passing on a love of music.
Isolation often sets in. Social circles may shift. Parents may be reluctant to openly share their concerns about their deaf child with parents who wouldn't be able to relate to their situation. There may be a fear that others may pity the parents or the deaf child. Most parents of a deaf child do not want to draw attention to the fact that their child is different.
The added pressures can cause parents to become more short-tempered, demanding, tired and less interested in people around them – including their hearing children. For the hearing siblings, it may feel as if they have lost one or both parents.
Both parents and hearing siblings may ask the question: "When will things be back to normal?" The answer, of course, is that "normal" will never happen. The task the family faces is to create a new version of normal – a potentially frightening prospect given the fact that all members are charting new territory in dealing with deafness and some members may need to create new dreams.
Coping from the Sibling's Perspective
As difficult as it may be for the parents to deal with a deaf child, it is even more challenging for children. Siblings of deaf children often experience opposing feelings such as anger and guilt, happiness and embarrassment, protectiveness and resentment, jealousy and sadness. These contrary feelings can be very confusing. Some younger siblings may wet the bed, develop temporary speech problems, tics, use baby talk or regress in other ways. Acting out is common, as is a refusal to talk about their feelings. Older siblings, on the other hand, particularly those in caregiving roles, sometimes resist going out with their friends because they don't feel they deserve to have a good time. Teenagers may feel "different" because they have a deaf sibling, at an age when they desperately want to feel "the same" as their peers. Some kids begin to talk very fast because they sense that their parents have very little time "left over" for them.
Hearing siblings often remark that the deaf child receives much more physical and eye contact from the parents than they do – and it is probably a well-founded claim. Therefore, it is extremely important that parents spend time alone with their hearing children on a regular basis, even if it is only 15-20 minutes a week. Their individuality needs to be acknowledged.
Siblings may also develop positive qualities as a result of having a deaf sibling; it is not uncommon for the hearing teenagers to become more empathetic, altruistic, protective, tolerant, concerned, proud, loving and comforting as a direct result of their relationship with a deaf brother or sister. Also important is for parents to recognize and praise these positive qualities. For example, a 26-year-old woman admitted that she was very disappointed that when her deaf sister was accepted into college, no one thanked her for helping her sister study for the entrance exam.
It is all too easy for parents to take for granted what their hearing children achieve when they have a deaf child in the house, given the awareness of how much harder the deaf child needs to work to do well in school. Siblings may react to that in a variety of ways: Some may act up because that is the only way they can get attention from their parents. The conclusion often drawn by hearing siblings is that their parents love their deaf child more because they spend more time with him or her.
"What's Really Bothering You?"
Sometimes siblings are able to voice their concerns and their feelings. More often, however, their fears, worries and concerns go unspoken for fear that they may come across as ungrateful or mean-spirited. Expressing anger may be especially difficult. One sibling said that he always felt guilty when he got angry at his deaf sister. A 20-year-old reflected, "How dare I get angry? I have it so much easier than he does."
Some concerns, such as financial worries, are well-founded. The extra costs for hearing aids, therapy, traveling, etc. can affect siblings in that there may be less money for certain of their needs. Emotional costs can be high as well, when a parent's worry, fatigue and preoccupation with the deaf child detract from their quality of interaction with the hearing sibling. Siblings often feel that they are getting the leftovers of their parents' time and energy and that discipline is more lenient for the deaf child than for themselves.
Hearing siblings are often asked to take on extra responsibilities, such as babysitting, or are expected to learn a new communication system – cued speech or sign language – in addition to their own schoolwork and activities. There may be more pressure on siblings to perform exceptionally well in school, athletics and socially because they are expected to make up for the deaf child's potentially more limited ability or for their parents' disappointment. Siblings may be expected to behave extremely well because they feel Mom and Dad simply don't have the patience for one more problem.
So much revolves around the deaf child's needs that it may be hard for siblings to develop their own identities. There may be constant discussions about deafness at the dinner table. They may be expected to include their deaf brother or sister in their own social life because it is often harder for the deaf child to make friends in a mainstream situation. This can be very embarrassing for a child already in an awkward phase of development and can create resentment toward the deaf sibling.
Recommendations
Larger families tend to have an easier time with sibling integration as there are more varied expectations, the children are used to sharing and pitching in, and hearing siblings can share their concerns and worries with someone closer to their age. In small families, siblings should be encouraged to develop relationships with other family members or adult friends, such as aunts and uncles, grandparents, neighbors and teachers.
Regardless of the size of the household, whatever feelings siblings may experience – anger, sadness, embarrassment, self-pity, resentment – it is of utmost importance that parents recognize all feelings as legitimate and not judge them as wrong or inappropriate. Most siblings simply want to be understood and have their feelings validated. While it is very important for the siblings to be allowed to share feelings with their parents without fear of judgment, it can also be very helpful for them to share their feelings with other siblings of deaf children.
Maybe one of the best things a parent can do to improve the overall picture is maintain their own emotional and physical health. Parents need to take time off occasionally, to see friends, join a support group or simply have fun.
The good news is that many of the problems faced by hearing siblings develop strengths in them and strong character. Children with deaf siblings learn valuable lessons and skills as a result of their interaction with a deaf loved one. These interactions can help them become emotionally stronger as they age, and more well-rounded and sensitive adults.
Synnove Trier-Engelman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who was trained in Germany and the United States. She received her Ph.D. from SUNY Stony Brook in 1975 and training in family therapy from the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy. She has 35 years of experience as a therapist, working with children, adolescents and adults in various settings. Her daughter, Alina, who is deaf, is currently completing a Master's in Public Health at Yale University. Alina and her older brother are fluent in Cued Speech.
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